On Swedish Affirmations

It took several years and several false starts, but I did finish writing a whole novel. (I have not finished shopping it around. That's a different struggle for a different post.) It's not easy going the distance. It required a lot of groaning, a lot of carb-based sustenance (yes, carbs, because I still live in the 80s), and one affirmation I kept repeating to myself.

The internet is alive with affirmations. How did we ever get along before now? Aside from the odd cat poster or bumper sticker? There's one creativity-fueling quote in particular I keep seeing everywhere, meant to evoke maximum output:

"FIND WHAT YOU LOVE AND LET IT KILL YOU."

Charles Bukowski

Yes. This. This is the path to greatness. This is how a person will get that novel finished/golf handicap down/opera composed. Because what are we doing, screwing around with our everyday, balanced, mediocre lives, never really feeling alive, never letting anything just kill us anymore? What's happened to us?

Let's do it! LET'S BE LIKE CHARLES BUKOWSKI!!

Oh, wait, nobody wants to do that. Good thing, too, because there's no evidence that the hard-drinking, deeply depressed Bukowski ever actually said it. So, first, let us distance ourselves from modeling our lives on that of a raging alcoholic with bipolar disorder (no matter how brilliant). The quote is now thought to derive, instead, from Texas musician/philosopher/politician/mystery writer Kinky Friedman.

Others believe the cat came up with that quote.

Second, consider what "let it kill you" even means in the creative world. I guess what people are attracted to is the thought of giving yourself over to the muse in a violent, sexual way, and being devoured by it until you are transformed into this beautiful, tortured creature with a world-shattering work of art. Whatever. In reality, this is the sort of idea that makes you give up your endeavors the minute they stop being interestingly ethereal or dramatic and turn into clock-stalling time logged day after day at the keyboard or easel or music stand. This concept doesn't really make you want to quit the job you hate that is already killing you. It suggests you should add one more thing that's killing you. That's exhausting. Not least for me, because my joints are already killing me. So instead, I decided to heed the words of somebody from a country known for its (supposed) suicide rate.

"I AM A NINE-TO-FIVE MAN, YOU KNOW? I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND WAIT FOR GOOD NOTES TO SORT OF COME FROM SOMEWHERE. AND IF I'M NOT HERE, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO COME. IT'S LIKE, THERE'S A DRAGON IN A CAVE, RIGHT? AND YOU KNOW IT'S IN THERE, BUT IT'S NEVER COMING OUT. YOU HAVE TO SIT OUTSIDE AND WAIT FOR IT....IF YOU GO HOME AND TAKE A NAP, YOU WON'T SEE IT."

Benny Andersson

Suck it, Bukowski!

That's right, erroneously-attributed-Bukowski-work-ethic-modelers. Not That. This. Fie upon your social media-feed memes about creativity's requirement of self-destruction; I finished that novel because I took my work ethic from one of the B's of ABBA.

Whether or not you like Andersson's 70s-tastic Swede-pop group (I think he's technically not even the first B), it doesn't hurt to pay mind to someone who has turned down billion-dollar reunion tours because he didn't need the money. Still, the idea here is not to focus on the mass appeal or the wealth (the sheer, blinding wealth) but the ability to produce. Because obviously Andersson finished the songs he started. Lots and lots of them.

There's no poetry involved in this...except maybe the cool dragon metaphor, but notice it's not about letting the dragon kill you. It's about showing up, whether you want to or not so you can see something amazing. Turn up at the page, the canvas, the amplifier, the piano, no matter how you feel, and something will eventually happen.

As a matter of fact, my best days of writing seem to come on the days I least wanted to get started. I don't know why that is—maybe it has to do with just putting my head down and working rather than jumping happily into it like I'm about to sit down at the keyboard and cruise Instagram or play Apple IIE-simulated 80s games. Most of the time, I wouldn't have started in the first place if I hadn't thought, "But I want to see the dragon."

Oh, my bad; this was Anni-Frid's day to see the dragon.

So, if you haven't put in your time today—however much you can manage, even if it's not a lot—quit reading this and get off to the cave.